I think sometimes my own fears and worries hold me back from being comfortable with who I really am.
Although I hate labels I am quite obviously a very feminine person therefore when I meet people they assume I’m straight.
I noticed this when I first started wearing an engagement ring at work. Customers would often comment on how pretty my ring was and I would freeze and say thanks then change the subject. I know this was off putting for some people because I recognized the looks of confusion of how reserved I was being. Really I don’t feel my personal life is anyone’s business but I have heard other women (in other stores or in public situations) start gushing about wedding plans in reply to the questions I was being asked. Instead I just shut down in fear I was going to be asked questions that might reveal I’m in a same sex relationship.
The awkwardness started to ramp up when I fell pregnant. I could only hide it for so long and before long that baby bump was on show. ‘Oh wow you’re pregnant! Is your husband excited?’ was a question I got asked a fair bit. It annoyed me for a few reasons. Mainly because why do people assume because I’m pregnant I’m married? Hello, I could be pregnant out of wedlock? Or what if I was a single mum? Maybe I went out on the town one night and one thing led to another and I don’t know who the baby daddy is? Hhmmm or what about NONE OF YOUR BUSINESS.
So when I was asked these questions I’d just reply with ‘Yes my partner is excited’ and again change the subject.
I skirted around the answers because I didn’t want to make anyone feel uncomfortable.
This continued on for majority of my pregnancy too. Will doctors and midwives treat N and I differently because we’re a same sex couple?
You know what’s crazy? I even emailed my OB before booking my first appointment to check she was ok with taking us as patients. Seriously? I shouldn’t have to ask but I did… And I do on many occasions because I feel like I have to warn other people and make sure that they’re ok with it.
Thankfully my OB was amazing as was all the hospital staff and various people who have crossed our paths since having Parker.
After the relief of being treated like a normal person I knew there was always the next hurdle, the next occasion I had to ‘out’ myself (again) and that was my Mothers Group.
The community health clinic had a 6 week intro to parenting course starting and I had been told that you go along to this and often you make friends and continue to meet up with them after your 6 week course is done and that’s how your mothers group is formed.
The day came for my first session and boy was I pooping my pants. All for the reason that I thought these women would look at me funny or treat me differently or worse, treat my baby differently because he had two mums. I think it took about 4 sessions before I dropped ‘she’ when referring to my partner. Believe it or not I wasn’t stoned to death or thrown in to the street but instead I had a little faith restored that I can ‘fit in’ because the ladies that I have met are really really lovely. They made me feel totally ok and accepted for who I was and they were even interested in asking questions about how we came to have Parker and that’s ok! I’m super happy to talk to anyone about our pregnancy journey.
At the end of the day I realized we connect because we are mothers not because of the partners we have and for that I’m grateful.
I’m also grateful for the friends and family I do have that make me feel comfortable with who I am. When I’m with those people I don’t even realize that I’m any different to anyone else,
I can relax and be myself.
I know it really will be an ongoing internal battle for me to try be ok with ‘coming out’ to people constantly. When Parker starts school and starts making friends, parent teacher nights, birthday parties, sleepovers etc etc but I try to be hopeful that our society is becoming more and more accustomed to the many different families that are out there.
I’m not ashamed of who I am. I just don’t find it easy. I get cranky when people stare at N when we’re out and about or they stare at us if we hold hands. I want to yell at people when I see them look us up and down or look back and forth from N to me and then to the baby in the pram and look so judgmental.
I guess I just have to realize that maybe people aren’t being judgmental. Maybe they’re just nosy or maybe they have gay relatives or friends and in their head their going ‘good on them for being themselves!’ or ‘aawww cute baby’. I also know that I have to try be more confident in who I am as a person and stop worrying so much what other people think (easier said than done) because if I can’t be comfortable with who I am how can I expect other people to be comfortable with me?
I have to be forward and honest when confronted with the questions and situations that might make me feel awkward because life for Parker will be a lot more accepting and safe if his Mummy is confident with who she is.
I guess I just have to deal with coming out again and again because besides tattooing it across my forehead there’s nothing I can do but be brave and be proud of who I am. No more hiding or worrying what others think. I have a beautiful little family and that’s worth overcoming anything.
Two Mummas 